Tuesday, October 27, 2009

An example to my points in the previous post. Let's imagine an episode of Star Trek running parrelly on at least 5 of the franchise's versions:


"A space anomaly approuching a derelict space station belonging to a rogue religious who actually worship the anomaly. Enterprise is sent on an evacuation mission.

Star Trek TOS:

Mr. Spock: Captain, we approuching the space anomaly closing on the Federation's station "Dumbldor". I'm reading dangerous amount of space radiation coming from it.

Kirk: Red alert! Raise shields! Mr. Chekov fire torpedoes at the anomaly!

Mr. Spock: I fail to see the logic in such action, Captain.

Kirk: It's ok, Spock. No logic is needed for affirmative action. We'll win, you'll see.

Mr. Spock (raising an eyebrow): Humans are complicated creatures.

Uhura: Captain, I'm picking a strange transmition from the anomaly!

Kirk: On screen!

Pulsating psychodalic colored lights appear on the screen stating in dramatic tone.

Anomaly: Puny creatures! How dare you stand before the great Krol!

Kirk: This is Captain Kirk of the mighty starship Enterprise. We mean you no harm. (Whispering sideways) Chekov, fire torpedoes!

Anomaly: Ha-ha! You can't harm the mighty Krol! Begone or be destroyed!

Kirk: Chekov, launch torpedoes... Eh, mighty Krol, but we are peacefull people. Let us at least evacuate the population of the station and we will be on our way.

Anomaly: Hm. Very well, puny creatures. You have an hour and then I will devour the station with my mighty powers!

Mr. Spock: I fail to see any logic in the anomaly's actions, Captain.

McCoy: Does everything has to be logical, you damn Vulcan!?

Mr. Spock: Yes.

McCoy: Green blooded goblin!

Kirk: It's ok, Bones. He'll learn.

Spock(raising an eyebrow):Hm.

Kirk: Uhura, open-up a channel to the station. (After a signal) This is Captain Kirk in command of the starship Enterprise. We are here to save you from the anomaly and take you safely onboard our vessel.

Old zealot on screen: I thank you, captian, but there is no need for that. We surrender ourselves willfully to our Lord Krol. We wish to be left alone, so please be kind to leave the area.

Kirk: What do you think, Spock?

Mr. Spock: I fail to see the logic in this man's words, captain.

Kirk: You're right, Spock!

Mr. Spock raising an eyebrow.

Kirk: We must save those poor misguided people. Spock, Bones you're coming with me to the station. Mr. Zulu, you have the helm. Scotty ,launch torpedoes, then beam us to the station.

Scotty: Eye, capta'ain. But I don't know if she can hold it. It wasn't made to launch so many torpedoes.

Kirk: I trust you Scotty. Beam us up!"

At the station the team is greeted by the old zealot and lots of young and beautiful zealots barely dressed, especially the females. The old zealot is covered head to toe, however.
Old Zealot: I'm Zortan. Why have you come here!? You are not wanted!

A beautiful barely dressed lady comes closer.

Old Zealot: This is my daughter Zortana. She's single. Now get out of here!

The team pays no attention to the old man, checking the tricoders while Kirk is ogling the lady playfully.

Old Zealot: We pray and worship the mighty Krol!

The young people answer in unison: In Krol we trust and give him our life!

Kirk: What do you make of it, Bones?

McCoy: Godammit Jim, I'm a doctor, not a psychologist. They're nuts!

Kirk: Mr. Spock, how do you think we should continue?

Mr. Spock: Obviously these people have no desire to be saved. It is logical to let them be and leave.

Kirk: That's right, Mr. Spock! We'll persuade them to come with us. Starting with Zortan's daughter. I think she is the key.

Approaching Zortana, Kirk: So tell me, pretty thing, why do you wish to stay and be eaten by a giant abnormal deity?

Zortana: Only through Krol will we reach heaven. So says my dad.

Kirk: Well, he's wrong! Krol is not the only way to reach heaven. Here, I'll prove it to you.

Kirk grabs Zortana slightly forcefully and kisses her passionately. She moans.

Zortana: This feels like heaven, alright. But I dare not defy my father.

Kirk grabs and kisses her again. Zortana: Yes, I'll come with you! Save us all!

Kirk: Gather all the station personal and meet us at the docking station. Don't tell your father. (Into his communicator, pleased with himself): Scotty, prepare to beam us all up. And all our guests.

McCoy: Are you sure, Jim? Should we force this on them?

Kirk: What do you mean, Bones? Are you saying we have no right?

McCoy: Goddammit Jim, I'm a doctor, not a philosopher. Who cares!

Mr. Spock: Interesting. You didn't provide any reasonable argument to persuade that woman, yet she was convinced so swiftly.

Kirk: The powers of lust and desire. Very human things, Spock.

Mr. Spock raises an eyebrow.

All the young and beautiful people along with the team beam to the Enterprise.

Kirk jumping from the transporter platform: Chekov, launch torpedoes..

Chekov: Yes, sier. Vill be dunn. (Stalling) Kepten, ve dont hev any mor torpidos.

Kirk: Can't be! Then fire phasers!

Scotty: I'm sorry, capta'ain! But we don't have any energy left for phasers! I used it all up on transporting our guests.

Kirk: Scotty, Scotty! You have to do something! I believe in you!

Scotty: Oh, all right, capta'ain! I'll see what I can do! But I don't know how more abuse she can take! I'm working miracles here!

Kirk: I trust you Scotty! Do your magic!

They make it to the bridge.

Kirk: Uhura, open up a channel to the anomaly. I wish to speak to our "mighty" friend.

Mr. Spock: Do you have a plan, captain?

Kirk: I don't plan, Mr. Spock. I improvise!

The screen is filled with pulsating LSD colors.

Krol: You're late! Your hour ended long time ago! Prepare to be devoured!

Kirk: Wait a second, my friend! If you could devour us, why didn't you do it long time ago? Why wait all this time and let us finish our rescue? Unless, you can't devour us! It's all a bluff! You're not a mighty being, but a weak and hungry space anomaly. You have no power left! We're not afraid of you!

Krol: How dare you, puny creatures!

Kirk: We dare and that what makes us human! Scotty? Do I have my phasers?

Scotty: Yes, capta' ain. I'm ready!

Kirk: Mr. Chekov, fire phasers at the station!

Chekov: Vaye, kepten! Firing fazers!

The screen shows the station being evaporated.

Krol: Nooooo!

Kirk: Yes! You didn't want the humans on the station! You feed on steelanium-5 of which the station is made of! And since you didn't attack us, I'm guessing you're so weak of hunger, you're about to die!

Krol: So hungry! Food! Fooooo... (He dies and the colors dissolve on the screen.)

McCoy: Well done, Jim!

Mr. Spock: This is highly illogical! How did you figure it all out?

Kirk: I had a gut feeling, Spock. A hunch!

Mr. Spock: Hunch is not logical, captain!

McCoy: Stupid Vulcan!

Kirk: It's ok, Bones. Humans are complex. He'll learn. In time, he'll learn.

Mr. Spock raises an eyebrow and slowly turning walks away, while Kirk and McCoy smile to each other slyly.

The End."

Of course, I exaggerate for humor-sake, but this is the basic template of a generic Star Trek episode. No science, and no real moral questions or logical issues are ever explored here. And Spock, who keeps claiming how everything around him is illogical, fails to see a slight glimpse of logic, once it is actually used. Because, he's an inferior stupid Vulcan! I'll do the TNG run on my next post.

1 comment:

rakoth said...

:) Yep, that's the typical Star Trek episode as I remember it. How easy it was to please the audience back then.